his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
