There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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