She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i think i have herpe
just one?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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