drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
