why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
