Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
