so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
