How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I am available for nakedness
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
