And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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