textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
How external is "for external use only"?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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