you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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