I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
