this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
