JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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