I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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