i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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