Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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