the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want nice things and good sex
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
