I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
