im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
