just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
