i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
