He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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