she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
