I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
