At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
