I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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