Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
