Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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