Plan B is the new Plan A
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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