My sheets look like a crime scene.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
