How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
