I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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