ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
