she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
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I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize