I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
