i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.