just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?