I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
