We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
