I cannot find my penis.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
