i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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