I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
