Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
