please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
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My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I have post one night stand depression
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