just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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