Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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