You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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