Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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