my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
