Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
