apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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