this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
