I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
