yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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