theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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