i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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